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in. Ah, my petites mademoiselles. You have no idea what that could be like. That is because French women scene described is the life of a Frenchwoman, and Frenchwomen lead entirely different lives than the rest of us.
Their beauty and style are admired worldwide for their effortlessness, their grace. And with good reason! These qualities are something to be emulated. We can never truly become Frenchwomen — they are born, not made, and no sociologist has yet discerned what conditions have created such a uniformly sublime batch of females. The water, maybe? But for your own life, if you want to be seen as effortlessly graceful, please do take into consideration the following eight things that Frenchwomen never do, and fix deeply flawed self by not doing them, ever. Frenchwomen do not get fat.
This is an established science fact that has been proven in hundreds of double-blind peer-reviewed studies. Frenchwomen do not plan their meals or count calories. It is French women. I never understood why American women choose to be fat. In France, we close our eyes very hard and wish to be skinny, and it just happens. American women should try the same thing.
The women that walk the streets or Paris are world-renowned for their simple, understated style and clean lines. The mere thought of a proper French girl stumbling home after a night of drinking made her laugh at the stupidity of my premise. We go to clubs and we dance.
We cannot hold a cup and dance at the same time. Holding a cup and moving is illegal here in Paris. And proper French ladies would rather dance at the club than drink. One time, I saw a woman having a drink at a bar as she slowly bopped from side to side. We questioned her. You know who she was? Kate Middleton. Not French.
It made sense. And we pushed her out the door. She was so ashamed, she immediately got on a plane back to England. Frenchwomen love light, and light loves Frenchwomen. It bends around them, bows to them. They are mistresses of the morning. Nonsense like that is why the British Empire fell. Dating and hook-up culture is as foreign to Frenchwomen as class and elegance are to American women. Angling for French women is gauche. Frenchwomen simply stand elegantly like statues and wait for an admirer.
We wait for him to show his affection. If he tries and fails, we crush him beneath our heels and use him as a pedestal on which to stand to become taller, that more men might see us and approach. Why are American women so graceless, desperate and ugly? It is a popular but enduring myth that flawless French French women is the result of a classy, deft, no-makeup-makeup look. But by and large, Frenchwomen spurn makeup in any form. They choose instead to peel off every cubic centimetre of epidermis each morning, and grow a new layer before they step outside to greet the day.
That dewey look that their skin has? I would peel it off with my fingernails, if I had the chance. I would claw their entire fucking faces off. Frenchwomen never smile in pictures because Frenchwomen never emote at all. The women do not walk through the streets of Paris.
Walking is effort, and effort is sweat, and sweat is for some other country. Instead, Frenchwomen float. Their toe-tips drift three centimetres above the cobblestones at all times. They have wings, which are invisible. These wings are still and do not flutter, even invisibly.
No one is sure if they die at all. I got in my coffin 68 years ago, because it seemed like the time. My casket is comfortable, and you get to have some good conversations with the people buried around you, provided you speak loudly enough. Besides, the spare, dead skin makes great bedding. There is no try. Frenchwomen do not try to do anything. They do not try to look good or try to please anyone. They do not try to walk. They simply float through life, as on their backs down the river.
They simply move with the tides, and the tides carry them to perfection, where they live endlessly in French women sun, which loves them. Delicious fruits and pastries fall from the trees into their mouths, until they effortlessly fail to die.
You will never be like one if you are trying. We will never do it. We French women never make it. My fellow unFrenchwomen: let us lie in our own sweat and filth, like the disgusting, sweaty, old-skinned, polyester-swathed animals we are. Get started. Open in app. in Get started. Get started Open in app. More from kelly dickinson Follow. More From Medium. Hogan Torah in MuddyUm. How to Shop More Sustainably. Madison Schott in Age of Awareness. A Personal Experiment.
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10 Things French Women Never Do